don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
