I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
