i think my mom watched the whole time
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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