theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
