im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
