I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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