My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
