I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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