I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
