we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
