When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
