Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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