I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I sprained my soul last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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