The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
