The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
