Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She bit a glass in half.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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