I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
