Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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