an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
they're like a gay fantastic four
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
