my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
