We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
