My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
