you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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