Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
