The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
