"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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