life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
