i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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