DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
