I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
