is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
