Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
