I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
