Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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