Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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