I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
