i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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