I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
