I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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