My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
