If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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