I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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