Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
