i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
