Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
