apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
