Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
