you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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