Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
