WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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