i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
