For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
